Dirty Diana
by The USS Ficcelsior
Summary: *guitar riff* No.


_"What's a paramecium brain?"_

\- Don't Ask, _Hook_

* * *

"What's the matter, Earthlings? Cat got your tongue?"

Sailor Moon and the rest of her dim-witted, skimpily-dressed, color-coordinated, furless, primate-brained allies gazed down in confused horror toward the brilliant alien mastermind brushing coquettishly through their ankles. The amount of panty shots Diana could immediately see from her tiny angle left the Sailor Senshi exposed and vulnerable in subtle ways they didn't even realize, but that was how they always been ever since her arrival.

"Stop this at once, Diana! This isn't like you!" Luna shouted from a bench on the rooftop observation deck. Artemis was sitting beside her, looking just as lost and perplexed in the moonlight.

"Puh," Diana scoffed bluntly. "Why should I, Yarnspinner Diana, Third Paw of the Baast Pride and 35th Rank Familiar Tamer, answer to a couple of mangy Moon Cats? We wouldn't accept off-breeds like you on Felinis even if you came to us as refugees."

"But this doesn't make any sense!" Usagi said, tears growing in the corners of her eyes. "You're Chibiusa's guardian from the future! You're Luna's and Artemis's daughter! You came here to help us!"

"Artificial memories I've been beaming into your brains to make you think that's who I was until we were ready to commence the invasion," Diana answered in a cold tone. "A little trick I studied from the best." She grinned her tiny pearly fangs toward Sailor Chibi Moon.

Several yards away on the rooftop, Professor Tomoe lie as a smoldering skeletal corpse. The Witches 5 had betrayed him and revealed their secret allegiance to the invader from the planet Felinis. They were like a cluster of shadows giggling in low voices under the starlight.

"Do our Familiars frighten you, Sailor Senshi?" Diana asked. "These girls used to be Sailor Warriors just like you until they were caught in our mousetrap and we conquered each of their miserable hunks of rock. You Sailor Suited dolts make for _purrrfect_ slave marines once we groom your claws and pick off your fleas. We only spare one Guardian from each planet and keep her around as a scratching post, just to be on the safe side. A single Sailor Senshi is never much of a nuisance by herself, and it's so much better than using our own far superior race for the invasion force." Diana was cleaning the back of her paw as she explained her plan. As with any talking alien cat with unmatched super-intelligence, she was very aloof and very abominable.

"Diana! This has to be a joke!" Sailor Chibi Moon cried out. "You would never…"

"Silence, Earthling." Diana swiftly raised the front of her padded foot. "That's no way for an imminent Lady of the Watch to speak."

"Seriously?" Mimete snorted from her witchly quintet. She had the backs of her hands curled against her hips and a pouty expression on her face.

"You're going to conscript _this_ ugly marshmallow to be the Earth Familiar?" either Cyprine or Ptilol stubbornly complained.

"We were hoping we could go shopping with Venus once we flattened this mineral deposit," said Tellu, rubbing her chin in sad disappointment.

"Puh. Know your place, Familiars. Slaves hold no voting rights in these decisions. You'd all be forgotten relics of doomed barbarian outworlds if it weren't for our mercy," Diana hissed in return. "But why would I choose anyone else? This is the specimen I've been watching the closest since I started my mission." She playfully dropped her angry demeanor, turning her head back toward Sailor Chibi Moon.

"And now to make you fit for service," Diana grinned like a Cheshire as she sat on her hind legs. "I've studied all of your secrets and learned everything I need to know about your powers, Earthling, but we still have to get you fixed. You're no use to me in your current form as a scraggly little tuna, even though I do quite enjoy tuna." She licked her whiskers as she spoke.

Diana planted her front paw on the concrete rooftop. She curled her tail across the ground in the shape of a silver noose, or a collar and leash.

A pentagram shaped like a flat fishbowl surrounded by planetary rings appeared underneath Chibi Moon's pink boots. The other Sailors ran to pull her out of the paralyzing gravitational field, but they were halted as her entire frame was consumed in an explosion of alien witchcraft.

To say she naturally filled out in her Sailor Fuku would be a galactic understatement. Her profile grew taller and thinner as her hair grew longer. The white lycra of her leotard softened and stretched to provide a comfortable home for her rapidly developing body. The pink pieces changed back into energy ribbons so they could be sewn into a new shape that better accentuated her more mature contours. Slim and youthful, but supple and toned in all the parts that mattered, she was the perfect addition to make the Witches 5 become the Witches 6.

When the arcane makeover was finished, all that remained of Chibi Moon's original terrestrial appearance were the pointed braids on top of her head, the basic color pattern of her magic uniform, and the shiny pink ribbons decorating her now fully realized bust and lower rear curves.

Sailor Chibi Moon was sweet, Black Lady was sour, and this new being was a tasteful swirl of both. The top part of her leotard had blossomed into a strapless gown that supported her feminine qualities in the front and tucked under her shoulder blades in the back, a vague reminder of her princessial breeding. The back of the gown was laced with a short pink cape trimmed with a pair of thin white lines, like her former Sailor scarf had been pushed a few inches down her shoulders and was only visible from behind. Transparent feathers looped through her underarms and draped below her shoulders, mimicking a more elegant version of the shoulder armor she would have eventually used on her Super uniform. The formfitting white was cut out at the sides of her waist, suggesting either a cat had slashed her Sailor Fuku apart with its claws, or her hips simply wanted some breathing space. Her skirt was colored with alternating pink and white pointed pleats. The same patterns appeared on the end of her gloves near her elbows. Her choker was studded with a single black star on the front, while a larger pair of stars took the place of the clasps in her braids.

Her more brightly colored costume conveyed she came from a home planet that was closer to its solar light source compared to the other Witches, but she could always substitute the white and pink for black and pink if she ever felt like mixing up her style. She certainly had the figure to pull it off.

"Mmm," Diana mewed. "You came out even more exquisite than I was expecting, Chiastol. I'll stamp your new cat tag when we get back to the ship."

The Witches 5 were quickly beginning to change their mood and agree with their tiny feline mistress. They swooned over the new and improved Chibi Moon like a box of domesticated kittens with a new littermate. The Sailor Senshi stood speechless as their smallest and second most powerful member left their sides and fell in with her new friends.

The coven of witches suddenly hushed their voices and parted like the waves of the Red Sea. Chiastol stood in the center of the line and raised a single white silk-covered hand in the air, conjuring the beginnings of a magic enchantment above her open palm.

"Sorry, guys," Chiastol snickered to the less fortunate Earth Senshi, her spell growing in power by the second. "We can't adopt any more pets."

She threw her arm down like a conductor closing an orchestra. The last thing the Sailor Senshi saw was a wave of cataclysmic energy shaped like a pink crescent moon descending over them.


End file.
